Saturday, August 6, 2011

Enough with the pictures of your lousey food on Facebook

Why is it that every time some jerk makes a hot meal they have to put a picture of it up on Facebook?
It's so lame. Instead of just eating the stupid thing they have to turn it into a conversation piece. Is it so they won't seem so sad eating it alone on a Saturday night? And what makes it worse is all the stupid commentary that I read under the picture. People are liking it and say dumb crap like "Oooooh, I'm jealous." Just eat your stupid spaghetti or your sushi or whatever without sharing it. Maybe after you are done eating you could do something with you boring life and take a picture of that instead. Or better yet, the next time you decide to take a picture of your lunch and post it you should go ahead and take it to the next level. Wait about two hours after your meal and take a picture of the dump you just dropped in the toilet. You can put it on your wall and all your friends can be like, "Oh yeah, that turd looks soooo great, I wish I could take dumps like that."

Monday, August 1, 2011

Your Face!

Sometimes when I see someone and look at their face , I don’t like it. It’s not because they are ugly or because I am a racist, it’s just because I hate his/her face. Sometimes it is an expression that makes them look like they are shadey. Or it could be a way they are smiling that makes them look like a complete a-hole. Other times I see a person talking and imagine how awful it would be for me to to be talking to them.
What is more interesting is that my penchant for hating a person’s face has proven to be an accurate indicator of their crapulence.
I remember seeing this woman at a public event. She was normal, nothing was wong with her, she even had a smile on her face. But when I looked at her I just got this gut feeling that she kind of sucked. Months later a friend of mine introduced me to this very same person whose face I had disliked. I said hello and got away from her as soon as possible. I never told my friend about it because I couldn’t come up with a good way to explain it. Months later my friend told me that the person whose face I couldn’t stand turned out to be a a real jerkweed.
I remember another scenario where a friend of mine introduced me to a relative of his. I hated this person’s face too, but I definitely wasn’t going to tell my friend about it. It turned out later that his relative was totally a piece of !@#$.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

The Living Room (needs a dining room)

More like the crummy roast beef sandwich room. Their house bread was great, but the roast beef tasted like it was straight out of the Ralphs deli. Next time I'll check out the breakfast.
I have eaten outside over there before, but last week I ate inside in their freaky living room dining room space. I felt a little uncomfortable eating there on a Saturday afternoon because everyone was studying around us. Carrie kept complaining because I was speaking too quietly. I was afraid to speak louder because I kept getting the dirty eyeball from everyone studying around us whenever I said anything.
Everything is all retro and cool, but it's too close in there. I don't care if I'm sitting at a vintage wooden table if I have to get dirty looks from a foot away because I'm distracting someone from their laptop stuff. People need more space because we hate being near eachother.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Why do the big foam gliders have to be so crappy?

Air Hogs is one of many companies that makes this horrible toy. Me and some kids were out on an empty field throwing this piece of crap back and forth and it was just as lame as I always remembered it. I went through all the same stages that I can recollect from childhood. First I looked at the giant aircraft thinking about how badass it was going to be when I got a chance to fly it. Then I went through the traditional dissapointment of opening the bag to see a few chipped off pieces and a melted part of one wing caused by sun exposure. After that it was anticipation, as I wondered how awesome this thing would look in the air. And when the moment to fly her came I was brought back to sad reality as the plane had a lackluster flight followed by a heartbreaking crash where the wings popped off like they were hardly attached to anything. And about 15-20 flights later the wings slipped off before the thing even hit the ground.

Why can't these planes last for more than one freaking afternoon? Aren't things made out of styrafoam supposed to last forever?

Thursday, July 7, 2011

You can keep your farm raised beef

Whenever I look at menu and see that my burger is made out of farm raised beef I'm like, here we go with all the bourgoise bullcrap. I don't care if it was raised on a farm, I just care if it has bacon on it. I also don't give a @#$! if my eggs are farm fresh either, I just want to know if they come with a side of bacon with them. And speaking of bacon, I don't give two @#$!'s how this lttle piggy lived his life, as long as he ends up crispy (but not burnt) on my plate. And who can verify the farm freshness of these guys anyway? Couldn't they go get the stuff from a store, rub a little dirt on it, show up in the kitchen and be like "Hey, here it is fresh from the farm!"
Next thing you know there will be farm fresh slim jims at 7-11 and farm fresh beers at the liquor store.
All these fancy pants places with their farm fresh crap are whatever.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Don't buy sunglasses at the Arco on College and Montezuma

I was riding my bicycle past the gas station by SDSU yesterday and I saw the guy working there was putting up the numbers for the latest gas prices. He had a long pole with a grabber on the end to place the numbers on the sign high above him. I was alright with this, I even thought about how it might be fun to put those numbers up myself, as an entertaining dexterity test. But then I looked at the man's face and the sunglasses he was wearing. They still had the tags on them! Right on the bridge of the nose. Why would a gas station attendant leave the tags on a pair of sunglasses sold at the minimart where he works? Is it because that is the new style, to leave your tags on your sunglasses, or because he did not buy them? My fear is that he is just using them for a minute because it is a sunny day, and he plans to put them right back on the shelf. This wouldn't be a major criminal offense if it was the middle of November, but it is June, the hottest freakin' month we have had in San Diego this year. On a hot day like this the bridge of a person's nose and the backs of his ears are going to get hot and sweaty. This means there will be a pair of sunglasses on the shelf with alot of minimart attendant sweat on them. Sure, he might have wiped it off, but does that make it OK? I say no. Sunglasses at that Arco will be forever tainted as far as I'm concerned. I hate to think of what other atrocities might have occured there. Hopefully they don't sell underwear over there too.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Being on unemployment is a full time job.

A couple of weeks ago I filed for unemployment benefits and it is a pain in the ass. There are all these forms, I have to register with multiple California government agencies, the paperwork is hard to decipher, and I have to make notes on every place where I have applied for work. And don't even get me started on what a pain it is to get the last 18 months of financial records from the HR office at both of my part time jobs.

And after all this I still haven't received a check yet. And because the paperwork is so confusing I'm not even sure if I will be receivig a check. But I haven't given up on the dream yet. An old neighbor of mine told me that someone on unemployment qualifies for food stamps or WIC or whatever it is, and if this is really true I will take a trip down to the family services office in my neighborhood. If I am able to sift through all the proper administrative details I might be able to find a way to get some actual government cheese. I feel that if I can manage to actually get a free block of natural cheddat cheese in my hands, then this whole experience will have been worth it.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Looking for Work Suuuuuuuuuuuucks.

Why does looking for work suck so bad? Is it because looking for work is work? Or is it worse than work because you have to motivate yourself without any instruction or coercion? I say it's worse than work. I have been looking through online applications and they are killing me. They either want an unskilled worker who will start at low base pay to do some data entry word processing type stuff, or an expert in field with over two years of experience. I am neither of these. So for this afternoon and many more afternoons to come I will be searching for the middle ground. I want to get in the field of professional writing/editing and I don't want to start at the remedial level of data entry. Or am I being all snobby about this, is data entry where it's at? Maybe I should just fill out an application at Ralphs. Or maybe I should just hang with the scruffy recycling gang in the Ralphs parking lot. I see this one dude every time I'm at my local Ralphs, looking bummy with two sacks of cans and eating lunch fresh from the deli counter. Maybe he's got the right idea.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Shamrock's Shack Replaced by Hookah Bar, Great.

I was walking by the place that used to be Shamrock's Shack and I noticed that the building was being renovated. I asked one of the construction workers what the new place was going to be and he said it was going to be a hookah bar. A hookah bar? Why the hell do they need to build another hookah bar around here. El Cajon Blvd. needs more hookah bars like it needs more liquor stores and smoke shops. How about another regular bar instead of a lousy tobacco bar. When the shack shut down it left a hole in the bar line up. It used to be bar number three of the neighborhood bar crawl. You would skip the horrible Chico Club, start at Norm's, then Mad Dog's (which is now the Go Lounge), then Shamrock's, then the Boulevard.

Who is going to fill the place when it opens? All the people who are too subversive for Starbucks and too normal for the Treehouse Cafe with their beer cupcakes? I want to support local businesses in my neighborhood, but I can't come up with one good reason to go to a hookah bar. I'd rather go to that weird Treehouse cafe and get a pub cake.

Stay tuned for part 5 of the 8 part fine dining review: Treehouse Cafe, Pub Cakes or Pube Cakes?

Sunday, June 5, 2011

what's worse, the luddite or the neophyte?

About a week ago a friend of mine called me the youngest luddite he knew. After looking up the word I wondered how bad it really is, to be a luddite. If I were to stop being one, then I would have to convert to the new technology and be a neophyte. The recent neophyte is with the program but he has no soul. Anybody can jump on the bandwagon, but it takes commitment to be an old fashioned pain in the ass who won't adopt the new standard. I like books with pages and I don't know how to use a smartphone. So I'm sorry if that is a problem. Well, have fun looking up these two obnoxious vocabulary words. And good luck ever finding a use for them.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Nail Clipper Etiquette

A friend of mine was looking around on my coffee table wanting to know where I kept the nail clippers. I told him they were in the bathroom, and I'm not sure why he couldn't figure that out for himself. I realized it is because so many jerks think it's alright to just clip their nails wherever they please. A man at the bus stop was sitting there clipping away. A coworker of mine just made a pile of finger nails on her desk. My little girl clips her nails in my bed. And my jerk of a best friend was looking for some nail clippers so that he could do it right in my living room. What is the matter with all of these people? Do they think that their fingernails will just float away into nothing after they get clipped? I'm not the cleanest person in the world, I don't have any weirdo complexes, but I do feel that fingernails should be clipped over a trash can preferebly located in the bathroom. To those of you who clip wherever and think I am being a baby about this: I hope a fingernail clipping lands on a sandwich and then you accidentally end up eating it. And while you are picking that nasty thing out of your teeth you can think about how I am right and you are gross.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Is it a Soul Patch or a Face Snatch?

The soul patch is disgusting. It looks like something pubic and nasty. My favorite is when a guy has a pierced soul patch because it looks like he has a pierced vagina on his face. I even have a few friends with soul patches, and I hate their soul patches even more because I have to look at them more often. The worst is when an old guy grows a soul patch in an attempt to latch on to a younger, cool guy image. Of all the fashion trends you picked, why was it this one? Is it because secretly you always wanted to make your face resemble an upside down image of a woman's genetalia?

I would say that growing a mustache might help to mitigate the whole pubic face situation, but the latest Hanes commercial with Michael Jordan has proven that theory quite wrong. This commercial was on the other day and a friend of mine who was watching noticed how bad Jordan was looking.

I don't know what happened here, but it seems that he has decided to go with the Hitler stash crotch-chin combo. Maybe because he's Michael Jordan, the god of basketball, nobody had the heart to tell him how horrible it looks. I say that all these people are not doing him any favors. If I was walking around looking that bad I would hope that someone would help me out. Really I'm surprised that the people at Hanes allowed him to shoot the commercial this way.

And to all my friends with soul patches, either shave it off or at least have the decency to cover it up with a miniature set of bikini bottoms or something.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

The Vons at Lake Murray and Baltimore is Weak Sauce

So I was just at Vons today and I'm not down with their program. I usually don't have much to say about grocery stores, but this place gave me too much material to pass up.


Where do I start?


Selection:
Their selection is weak. They don't have alot of generic products and their Vons brand isn't really Vons brand. It's some weird pseudo-health food line named Eating Right. I'm scared of health food brands because of they often taste nasty. They have a pretty solid meat selection, but what store doesn't these days? Also they recently got a Starbucks in the store, and I'm thinking big freaking deal, like we need another Starbucks in San Diego.

Bathroom Facility:
Now that I'm getting on in years I can't always hold it. To be honest I didn't even know that all grocery stores had bathrooms until recently, but now that I do know it I am sure to take advantage whenever I can. A couple of months ago I walked in to their restroom with a bad stomach and was quite pissed to find that their toilet was without a seat. Just a porcelain bowl with holes where the seat should have been screwed in. When I saw what I had to work with I was mad as hell. In fact I'm still angry about that right now.

Checkout:
I've got mad squabbles with their checkout service. whenever I go there are about two cashiers max working the checkout. This is total crap because I've got a life to go live somewhere else besides this crummy line. And Vons is the last major store that hasn't adopted the automated self-checkout system. Maybe if they ditched the stupid Starbucks there would be room for more checkout stands and I could get out of this crappy store in a decent amount of time.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

File Not Found

This is such an irritating problem. But I'm not sure which part of it I'm more annoyed with. Sure it is a pain when you lose your important file with the crucial information, but it is even more of a pain when somebody tells me about it. I will ask someone if they finished the project they were working on and the I have to listen to a whole drawn out woe-is-me story about computer imperfections, a lack of saving, and the classic tale of how the fish got away. We've all had our files deleted, and we all b.s. how much information that was lost.

It's always like "I just completed the most amazing academic work to have ever been done and wouldn't you know it, the file got deleted right as I was putting the finishing touches on it."

The person says they can redo it but it will only be a shell of an assignment when compared to the former glory of their original work. I think the real story is that they wrote two sentences, one of them got deleted and now its all aboard the crummy excuse train. And now instead of trying to do the work this industrious academic just wants to spread the word to anyone who will listen to the harrowing tale of an idiot who doesn't know how to save their work or even use a computer properly. Next time your file gets deleted, instead of climbing to the nearest rooftop and shouting your story, maybe you should just quiet down and spend the ten minutes that it will take to rewrite your material. And if you still want to talk about it later then call up your mom and tell her all about it so that she can know that her child is a moron.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Pilot G2s are dunzo

I used to be a loyal consumer of those pilot G2 V-7 precise pilot pens. My pet bird even developed a taste for them. She loved to chew them up and destroy the soft grips. But now I am through with them. I found that these pens ruined me for all others. It used to be that I couldn't get started on my work unless I had my trusty V-7 at my desk. And don't get me started on the pen thievery. Every time one of my pilot's went missing it was Sherlock Holmes time. I remember when a turquiose pilot pen of mine turned up missing and I saw a coworker with the same colored pilot pen. I gave her dirty looks for an hour until she left the room and I was able to inspect the pen in question. I noticed that it had more ink in it than the one I lost so I decided that she probably hadn't stolen mine. Unless she stole it and then refilled it with ink to throw me off.

Do you see what I mean here? I had become obssessed. A couple of months ago I picked up a 15 cent papermate pen and started using it. It worked fine, I had no complaints, and the real payoff came when I lost it. I didn't care in the least. It was so liberating. So that's it for me, papermate, bic, whatever, as long as I don't have a deep seated emotional attachment to my pen so I can worry about more important things like where the heck I left my stupid flashdrive.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Dogs need to stop eating the duke

As my loyal readers may know, last week I walked my dog Frida and she found herself a dirty diaper in the bushes. Every chance she gets she goes after some doodoo. Yesterday I came over to the house and she licked me across the face. About 10 seconds later my girlfriend says "Don't let her lick you, she just ate some @#$!" So now I'm in the bathroom cleaning what appears to be excrement off of my ear wondering why the hell dogs are all about the feces. Every time she smells something on the walk, every time she pulls me over to the bushes, every time she presses her nose to the ground, it's for a pile of duke. And don't ever let her near some cat @#$!, that stuff is like cat nip for dogs. It is so gross and disappointing. I know that dogs like bad smells and they like to roll around in stuff that stinks because it masks their own natural odor or something, but still. It is so annoying that my best friend has such foul and disgusting tastes. Every time Frida goes after some biological waste I'm like "Bitch please, knock it off with that nasty crap!"

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Timing is Everything

Don't you hate it when somebody says something crappy to you and you don't have anything good to say back to them. And then, like 3 hours later, you think of it and realize you should have said something like "No sir, you're the one who's a jerk!"

The other day I was in one of those situations and I was fortunate enough to come up with something, but it only made it worse. I was crossing the street at the crosswalk and a group of 4 people were crossing at the same time from the other side of the street. The problem was they were walking in close row next to each other. I didn't want to walk around the row and I saw a little space between person number 2 and person number 3, so I went for it. It seemed alright until person number 2 turned around and yelled, "You could have said excuse me!" Now here was my moment, I turned around and immediately responded with "You could have said the same thing to me!"

Clever, right? Not really. Now the guy has turned around, is yelling up a storm and motioning with his hands and talking to persons 1,3 and 4. And as soon as I got across the street a guy pulled up to the gas station on my side of 70th and told me that he saw the whole thing and even heard the other people talking about beating me up. He waited in his car for the other group to keep walking and said that he had my back if things escalated. I thanked him and waited for him to leave, wondering what the !@#$ I just got myself into. Now I'm thinking that I should have just apologized to this number 2 piece of crap so that I don't have to worry about showing up to work with a black eye. So I got the snappy comeback logged in on the books, but it wasn't really worth it. But at least I didn't have one of those lame moments two hours later where I thought to myself, I should have said "You are very inconsiderate of other pedestrians in the crosswalk rude guy number 2!"

Thursday, May 5, 2011

I'm over comic book movies

I don't want to see Thor or Captain America. And the green lantern is Van Wilder from all those national lampoons funny-guy college movies. It turns out comics were better when they were just a nerdy thing that me and my nerd friends would read by ourselves. Now I go to the theater and am ashamed to have followed a charcter who ended up being so stupid on the big screen. The first Hulk movie was so bad that they didn't reference it at all in the sequel. The first Superman movie sucked so hard that they still haven't come up with a sequel like 8 years later. Spiderman 2 was unwatchable and the night club scene in Spiderman 3 was so horrible that I don't even know what to say about it. And let's not forget Daredevil and Electra, two of the worst movies ever made.

Now that the bigtime movie producers have so brutally damaged the coolness of my favorite characters, I feel like something has been taken from me. I can't imagine Spiderman as a cool guy because Toby Maguire portrayed him as such doucher. And Daredevil will never be able to come back after Ben Affleck made him out to be the boringest loser I have ever seen in a movie. And if anyone else talks about how they can't wait to see Thor because it was their favorite comic I'm going to lose it. Nobody ever read Thor because his comic was lame, same goes for Captain America.

Get your own stories hollywood, stop ruining the characters that I used to know and love. Go make a movie that isn't about a story that was better the first time around.

Isn't it about time to do a sequel to Avatar anyway, that Box Office smash hit where the main character goes around sodomizing alien animals in the ear with his pony tail genitalia the whole time.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Get a land line

Everybody is always walking around with their stupid phones all the time. People can't ever take a break and just live their lives for a minute. And for some reason a person on the phone is no longer aware of what rudeness is. When I'm in line at the grocery store and the person in front of me is on the phone while they are checking out it irritates me so much. I know their transaction will take longer because they are on the phone. Just get off the phone for a second. And when the text message alarm goes off why does everyone always drop what they are doing like they are a doctor who just found out about a medical emergency? Poeple need to have some boundaries with their phone time. It feels like every time I see someone they are all caught up in some phone stuff. If people went back to land lines there would be a limit. People should not only go back to land lines, we should go back to corded phones too. More phone conversations need to take place behind closed doors. I don't want to hear everyone's problems while I'm walking down the street. I don't want to hear about your messed up phone bill or the test results from your latest doctor visit.

Monday, May 2, 2011

A balled up dirty diaper in the neighbor's hedges

I was walking my dog around the block a few times and she stopped at the neighbor's bushes on the side of the yard. She was pretty interested in a white ball that was shoved into the shrubbery. I often indulge her so I let her pull out the bundle to see what it was. When she finally got her teeth around it and got the thing out I was surprised to see a wadded up dirty diaper full of !@#$. I yelled at Frida to make her drop it on the sidewalk and kept walking. I was concerned that I was now resposible for a pile of feces in the middle of the sidewalk, but then decided that I had actually performed a helpful service for my neighbor. Some jerk decided to stash their baby's defecation in an unsuspecting person's front yard, and now it would be a problem that the whole neighborhood could share instead of being the burden of one household. I know that if I lived at that house I would be greatful that a little boxer named Frida saw fit to drag the diaper off my property and into the public space.

So if you live near the family services building on 73rd, and you see a diaper full of turds, diarrhea cha cha cha

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Get a bathroom Coldstone

My step daughter and I were at the Coldstone in the college area shopping center the other day and I have got a beef with their no customer bathroom policy. They sell food, we eat it, and more often than not, a seven year old girl has to use the bathroom before it is time to go. And when I asked about their restroom the worker responded with a list of surrounding places that had facilities. I know they have a bathroom back there, what is it, is their toilet too good for outsiders? Don't be selfish Coldstone, let the people go in there. I wasn't going to call them out on it, but now that I am so irritated about the bathrooms I don't mind mentioning how crappy the walnuts were on the brownie sundae. They tasted old and slightly rancid.

Next time I think we'll go across the way to Yogurtland, where they give you free water (which is another thing they don't have at Coldstone) and a place to take a whiz after you're through with it.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Complaining is Good

A friend of mine named Willie once told me about a typical scenario he dislikes, where a person shows a group something new that they did. Willie explained how everyone in the group would fawn over the person and go on and on about how wonderful their achievement was. His regular response to this situation would be to walk up to the group, take a look at the thing, and say "Well I think it sucks!"

Some might think that Willie is a jerk for doing this, but I think he is right. People need to know that they are not always that great. If everyone was given nothing but praise then quality control would go out the window. We would produce the lamest crap and behave in the worst ways because everyone always told us it was good. You need complaints so that you can know what's really good. Without a helpful complainer you wouldn't know that the ending of Tron 2 was lousey or that acai juice is whatever.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Terra Bistro, good food crappy hosts

The food is good and the head chef was personable. But I will never eat at Terra Bistro again. When we first got there the hostess asked if we had reservations. This place is on el cajon in between a liquor store and an abandoned storefront with bums all around. So when she went tsk tsk tsk and gestured with her finger, chastising us for not having reservations, I wanted to knock her out. This place is in La Mesa on the edge of San Diego, not downtown. We don't go out and spend a ton of money on fancy dinners all the time, and when we do, I don't like when the hostess makes me feel like a jerk. The food was very good and so was our server, but when it was time to leave the a-holes at Terra did it again. Ten seconds after the server came by with the dessert and the bill, assuring us that he was not trying to rush us out, the rest of the wait staff proceeded to stack chairs on tables all around us. At that point I was so visibly irritated that my chick wanted to know what the hell my problem was. When I go out for a $100 meal I expect to be treated like someone who just spent $100. Honestly, I think they have better customer service at Jack in the Crack.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Peel off the shiny sticker on your hat already

New Era fitted hats have this shiny gold label sticker that comes on every new hat. It has the size on it for the convenience of shoppers, kind of like L stickers on shirts to signify size large. When I asked someone why he keeps the sticker on his hat he said "because it makes it look new." But then I pointed out that the hat is already getting faded from wear and tear, and soon the patch of hat under the sticker will be a different color than the rest of the hat. So if the sticker ever gets peeled off the hat will have a dumb looking spot right on the center of the bill. The proud sticker wearer acknowledged this fact, but it did not change his mind. His answer was "So I won't ever peel off the sticker." At this point I realized that I would never win this argument. I just can't wrap my mind around this current trend. And If I ever get a fitted New Era hat the first thing I am going to do is peel that sucker right off. Or maybe I'll save the sticker and sell it on Ebay.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

What's up with the crappy trolley seats?

Some mornings I hop on the trolley and there is plenty of room to sit with individual seats spaced out within the car. But other days I get on and the inside of the car looks like this.
I am not interested in the way these bench seats look, but I've got big problems with the way they are arranged. They are too close together for seats that are facing eachother. When the trolley car fills up, passengers sitting across from each other are put in the awkward position of trying to figure out where the heck they are supposed to put their feet. There is so little space that riders are forced to put their feet in between someone else's legs when the car is full. And some times it is just too early in the morning for me to deal with that crap. I am not European or Middle Eastern, I need my personal space. This is America, the land where nobody wants a stranger getting too close to them. What did the fare increase pay for anyway? Finish the job San Diego mass transit system. Why do some mornings have to be great while others are crummy because some old guy's dentures fell out and nearly fell in my lap because I was sitting so dang close to him. It's 2011, I thought the trolley would have at least evolved into some sort of light rail or bullet train by now. But instead, half of the trolley cars in San Diego have worse accommodations than a children's school bus from 1988.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

I hate it when people flake out

I asked a coworker what she'd been up to over the weekend and she said "Just keep'n it real."
My response was "I doubt it."

I think there is more flaking out in San Diego than any where else. This is the land of "Oh yeah, I'll help you out" and then a day later it's "Oh sorry, I forgot/was busy." I have been able to avoid being a part of this flake epidemic by just saying no. I do not front on doing things that I am not going to do. Like when people ask me to go to plays I just tell them no instead of saying what they want to hear to get their hopes up. I think it's better to be honest and crush someone's dream immediately instead of pulling the rug out from under them at the last minute.

Just say no when you don't really want to do something. It might be tough when you are first confronted, but later you won't have to look like a total d-bag when it comes time to pay the piper.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

It's not easy eating at Hodad's

Last weekend we were hungry for burgers and my girlfriend decided to take us to Hodad's in OB. At first I was pissed because we had to wait in line on Newport in the hot sun. But my anger was abated by the menu. A simple menu is always good because that means you won't accidentally order some weird thing that they don't make well like spaghetti at IHOP. We all got cheeseburgers and I got a double. But this was like no regular double like the ones they have at In-n-Out. Compared to Hodad's double cheese burger a double double is like a McDouble. No disrespect to the Jesus freaks at In-n-Out, I love their stuff, even with all the Christian psalms printed on all of their wrappers and cups. So the server brought out our food and my Burger was so dang big that I didn't really know what to do.

When I tried to eat it all I could do was bite about a quarter of the thing. If I tried to get any more of it my neck muscles would be too strained. Eventually I figured out how to to eat it by taking bites across the face of the burger. It was really good, but the experience was a bit too sloppy and ridiculous. I'm not crazy about putting my face into the food like it's an eating contest. And the burger was such a crazy drippy mess that my basket of fries underneath were subjected to a brutal amount of burger run-off. I still ate a few, but it was kind of gross. If those indie rock hippies would just put the fries in a separate basket, I think they would have those religious nuts at In-n-Out beat. If you go to Hodad's I'd recommend a good pair of snorkeling goggles so that your cheeseburger doesn't go half way up your nose every time you try and take a bite of it.

Monday, April 18, 2011

morning radio shows are whatever

These guys wake me up with the alarm clock radio, and it's never fun to hear what they are talking about. There's some guy doing prank calls or some chick doing ovation hair therapy announcements every five minutes. And if they aren't too busy with that then they are interviewing some old obscure musician. And I'm so sick of hearing them talk about inside jokes that don't make any sense. I just want them to put on some music but they just go on and on with their crummy stories and celebrity gossip. Morning DJ's need to take a little advice from Master Shredder.

"What message does the foot deliver from their master?"
"Shut it" -Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles the Movie (1990)

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Fast Food Expose: Taco Bell's Meximelt

I don't know what kind of show they think they are running over there these days, but I am not having it. I'm not here to complain about the meat, I've always been fine with their beef. It has always been that same weird stuff that resembles a cross between meat and baby food. And I'll be honest, sometimes I don't really want Mexican food, it can be too real for me. And that's when I go to T-Bell where I can get an American rendition of Mexican food.
Last night we hit up the Taco Bell drive thru and ordered a bunch of tacos and four meximelts. I forgot that the Bell even made these awesome things until my chick reminded me about them. Apparantly they are a big part of her childhood memory of Taco Smell. When she talks about meximelts she gets all glassy eyed and is like "Every time we got Taco Bell me and my sister got meximelts, and it was such a wonderful classic family style experience or something." So anyway, we get home and the meximelt has nacho cheese in it instead of shredded cheese. It sounds like maybe it isn't a big deal, but it really is. Meximelts, which really are good, taste like crap with nacho cheese in them. Nacho cheese belongs on corn chips and that is it.

So now I don't know what to do. I like the Meximelts but I'm afraid I'll get burned again with the nacho cheese switch-in. Since when did Taco Bell think people wanted nacho cheese in their food? That stuff belongs on chips only, seriously. Chips only.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Wheeled Backpacks: Sack up and pick your pack up

I tried to be cool about this. Some people have a lot of crap in their bags, and putting it on wheels makes some sense, but it has gotten out of hand. On a college campus you can't make it ten feet without having to maneuver past some idiot who is dragging a backpack across the sidewalk at a snail's pace. Some people might really need this new innovation, but most of the folks that I see using the wheeled dorkpack are just plain lazy pieces of crap. I'd say that about a tenth of the rolling backpack population really needs to have their bag on wheels. And the rest of you need to stop fronting like it's luggage and pick up your stupid backpacks. You aren't at the airport, you're at school, and if your backpack is so heavy, then deal with the workout or don't put so much crap in your bag.If this lame trend doesn't stop we're going to need to have special crosswalks for these dweebs so that they don't overrun the whole dang footpath. I know the backpack has wheels, but it has shoulder straps too, so please, for the love of Jesus, pick up your @#$!.

Monday, April 11, 2011

The commercials are getting to be better than the shows.

Lately all the shows I watch have been getting kind of lame. These days I have more fun watching the Dairy Queen commercial with the old fashioned shaving rabbits than I do watching the office or CSI. I think the writers today are doing more with Doritos commercials than they are with my favorite shows. What's up with that? I remember when people used to say that watching the superbowl was great because they loved watching all the great commercials. Now I totally know what they are talking about. When the guy sprinkles the Dorito crumbs on the grandpa's ashes and he comes back to life, hilarious. And how about all those funny beer commercials, or what about the twix commercial where the dude takes a twix break and is like "oh, I've been robbed!" so the woman he just brought to his apartment won't think he's a slob. I'd take an ad for Bud Light over an episode of Saturday Night Live any time. So the next time you are watching your favorite prime time show, ask yourself this, is it as good as the Taco Bell commercial where the guy throws shrimp in the air while he's at the yacht party?

Saturday, April 9, 2011

San Diego Fine Dining Review: The Old Spaghetti Factory

This place looks great when you walk in. There are a bunch of levels, it's dimly lit, and the there is this whole speech on the front of the menu that explains how the place manages to use sustainable ingredients to keep costs down. So far I'm excited to be here. The options on the menu range from meat sauce to clam sauce and I'm thinking that this place might be the best Gaslamp dinner spot we have ever found. But then the salad comes, and I get a bad feeling that it is a precursor to a crappy meal. You know, one of those salads that is pretty much just lettuce thrown onto a plate looking sorry. The house special spaghetti sucked as well. It was a salty plate of pasta with something called misrithra cheese. The sauce was greasy and my girlfriend's lasagna was worse than a safeway select frozen lasagna. The only one in our party who didn't notice how bad the food was was the 7 year old. So basically a generic TV dinner tastes better than their stuff.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

I'm done with Zombies

I don't want to see another Zombie anything. No more movies, no more videogames, no more tv shows, please, enough with all the Zombie crap. I remember when Shaun of the Dead came out and I had really hoped that movie was the nail in the coffin of the Zombie fad. But no, it's still going strong. It was gross and violent, I understand the appeal, but it's been like 15 years now since all these lame Zombie movies started coming out one after another. No more please. I want more Aliens on TV (but not like the boring soap opera ones on V) and movies, I wish to see no more lame comic book heroes in anything, and a Predator movie where Arnold comes back and then dies at the end. Is that so much to ask for? Hook it up James Cameron!

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

If everyone is always nice to you it means you don't have any real friends

Think about all the people you talk to everyday. You are polite at work so that you don't get fired. And when you are ordering food you keep it classy because you don't want them to jack up your burrito. When you see a stranger you try to be cordial because you don't want to have any misunderstandings with people on the street. But when you see your best friend you hear something like "What's up you @#!$ of a #$@!." It's like that because it's safe to be like that with your friends. You don't walk up to your hommie and say "Hey there, it's good to see you." It's more like "What up @#$% face." Your friends are the only ones you can be crass and rude to. So if nobody is throwing any bad language at you then I am sorry. Because that means nobody likes you enough to tell you how much of a piece of @#$! you really are.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Take back your email account!

A few months ago my hotmail account was hijacked. It was awful. Every one of my contacts, professional and otherwise, was sent spam via an email from my account. And I'm not totally sure, but I think it was some sort of male enhancement thing. It completely sucked. I even sent out an apology email to everyone on my contacts list. I was able to rescue my account by changing my password. I recommend that those of you who continue to be used and abused by these parasites do the same. I know it's still happening because I am still getting spam emails from some of my old contacts. When someone gets one of these "enhancement" emails it makes the unwhitting sender look like such a doofus. They know you don't endorse the product, but you are still an idiot for being preyed upon. And they may even come to hate you if they accidentally open one of your loaded emails, because now they are going to look like an idiot and, in a way, it is your fault.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

I don't shop at Walmart for the service

First off, I want to apologize for not posting anything for a couple of days, it's tough coming up with such fantastic literary gems every day. I was thinking about posting an entry, but I didn't have anything. I was so desperate I was going to blog about the Tangled DVD I just got from Redbox, but then I realized there wasn't really a story there. Yesterday me and the old ball and chain went to Walmart to get a big gas grill. She decided to buy the best option at Walmart which is always the second cheapest version of the product available. We needed help getting it off the shelf so ball and chain asked a guy with a Walmart name tag who was setting setting up a tortilla chip display rack. His response was "I don't work here." My first thought was where the hell do you work then, if you are setting up chips here right by the check out aisle? My chick was now afraid to ask anyone else for help because Mr. I don't work here had flipped the script on her. How was she supposed to trust her own eyes and thoughts if the people working at the store with blue shirts and name tags are going respond to her requests by saying I don't work here. Later on in the store another worker noticed the propane tank in our cart and said we couldn't bring it into the store. This also made no sense because we picked it up off the shelf with plans to buy it. Later a few confused remarks later, Captain idiot lady realized that we were not exchanging an empty tank and were trying to buy a new one, so she left us alone. So at the big W don't ask for help, and if a worker on the floor tries to help you, just roll away to safety. Now I'm not saying you should start shopping at Target or anything(unless you win the lotto), but when you go to this cheap superstore remember why it's so cheap. Treat the employees like random strangers who have the option of helping you if they are so inclined, and you might be alright. Don't get confused and think that because you are the customer anybody working there will give two !@#$'s about what you need.

Here is the sweet gas grill old Bally McChain got from the Supertore run by haters.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Am I being too sensitive about this?

Lately I've been seeing alot of brand logos and bumper stickers that seem rather ominous to me. I am talking about the skull with the helmet sometimes accompanied by the iron cross or a point on top of the helmet. I see it on shirts and now on the back windows of cars. What is this logo trying to say? "I long for the days of Nazi Germany? Or I'm not anti-semetic or anything but I sure do like creepy references to WWII German militarism." Anyone can tell you that I'm not a religious person, and my actions are not motivated by any deep seated cultural beliefs about Judaism. I am not trying to cry wolf over here, but seriously, when did it become a good idea to sport images of skulls with pointy German helmets? It seems like these graphics are just a hop skip and a jump away from a nazi swastika. The iron cross is affiliated with WWII German military. The helmet is also a reminder of this. And the skull is an image depicting death and or killing. And the nazi's killed Jews during WWII so I have to imagine that the skull is in some way a reference to this. Either way I am not comfortable around people who wear clothes or drive cars with these kinds of pictures. After looking at a Metal Mulisha website I found images of skulls with helmets without points or German iron crosses, but I know what I saw in the alley behind my apartment on the rear window of that car. And if that person gets his car keyed or one of his tires punctured by a hobby knife that I keep in my desk drawer, I didn't do it.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Please, no more late night shake weight ads.

I can't believe they still have ads for the shake weight on TV. They used to be on during normal time slots but now the shake weight (individually sold to men and women) can only be seen late at night. This product is terrible. South Park couldn't pass this product up and did what needed to be done. They made fun of this product so badly that I cringe every time I see a commercial for it. I just saw a SNL clip that took it a step further. But honestly this product doesn't even need to get made fun of, it's a classic joke as soon as you see the guy or girl strenously shaking the crap out of this phallic thing while sweating in their spandex. My favotite part is when the guy in the commercial puts his shake weight down after his awesome fitness time and has this look on his face like "oh yeah, what a great workout!" I think I'd rather do Zumba or the P90X program or whatever. Who am I kidding, the only workouts I do these days are 12 ounce curls, but that's still better than that stupid shake weight.

Monday, March 28, 2011

I'm over crossing the border for medicine

Refilling an asthma inhaler prescription in the U.S. costs $40 and I'm not made of money. The same medicine in Tijuana costs 6 or 7 dollars. The tacos are delicious but the border line is a bitch. I used to get churros while waiting in the line, but the last few times the vendors sold me cold ones, which sucked. The worst part is that during the whole wait I have to wonder if the the border patrol agent is going to give me the third degree on the way back into the U.S. "Empty your pockets, Is that all you were doing in Mexico?, Where do you live in San Diego?" Every time I'm pretty sure I'll make it back no problem, it's not like I'm smuggling in oxycodon taped to my leg or anything, but the possibility of getting stuck in Mexico is always a little scary.
The other part of the line that really gets my goat are the cutters. No cuts no butts no coconuts man, that is for real. When the old decrepit people breeze by me I've got no problem, but when some shady looking able-bodied American strolls by and blatantly cuts in front of some diminutive person it just seems so rude. One time I heard a guy complaining to his girlfriend about it as they waited behind me. He asked why that guy had to cut and she said that maybe he had an emergency or something. the man responded, "Well I've got got an emergency too, its not wanting to wait in this f-ing line all day!" I couldn't help laughing even if it let them know I was eavesdropping. Last time I was in that line it was so long that I wanted to cry, it went around the corner by the empty lots and doubled back on itself. I was so bummed that I decided to be one of those shady American jerks. But I was different, I found a nice looking woman and asked her politely if she minded me cutting in front of her. This may have been rude to the 600 people behind her, but at least I gave her the courtesy of having the chance to say no. I know I wouldn't mind letting a person cut in front of me if they asked nicely. So next time you cross the street and step off the footbridge to get in line, don't just step into line like a jerk, ask the person standing there if they mind. They will probably let you in and then you won't have to feel like a total piece of !@#$ for the next 20-45 minutes while you are waiting there in front of them.