Nail Clipper Etiquette

A friend of mine was looking around on my coffee table wanting to know where I kept the nail clippers. I told him they were in the bathroom, and I'm not sure why he couldn't figure that out for himself. I realized it is because so many jerks think it's alright to just clip their nails wherever they please. A man at the bus stop was sitting there clipping away. A coworker of mine just made a pile of finger nails on her desk. My little girl clips her nails in my bed. And my jerk of a best friend was looking for some nail clippers so that he could do it right in my living room. What is the matter with all of these people? Do they think that their fingernails will just float away into nothing after they get clipped? I'm not the cleanest person in the world, I don't have any weirdo complexes, but I do feel that fingernails should be clipped over a trash can preferebly located in the bathroom. To those of you who clip wherever and think I am being a baby about this: I hope a fingernail clipping lands on a sandwich and then you accidentally end up eating it. And while you are picking that nasty thing out of your teeth you can think about how I am right and you are gross.

Is it a Soul Patch or a Face Snatch?

The soul patch is disgusting. It looks like something pubic and nasty. My favorite is when a guy has a pierced soul patch because it looks like he has a pierced vagina on his face. I even have a few friends with soul patches, and I hate their soul patches even more because I have to look at them more often. The worst is when an old guy grows a soul patch in an attempt to latch on to a younger, cool guy image. Of all the fashion trends you picked, why was it this one? Is it because secretly you always wanted to make your face resemble an upside down image of a woman's genetalia?

I would say that growing a mustache might help to mitigate the whole pubic face situation, but the latest Hanes commercial with Michael Jordan has proven that theory quite wrong. This commercial was on the other day and a friend of mine who was watching noticed how bad Jordan was looking.

I don't know what happened here, but it seems that he has decided to go with the Hitler stash crotch-chin combo. Maybe because he's Michael Jordan, the god of basketball, nobody had the heart to tell him how horrible it looks. I say that all these people are not doing him any favors. If I was walking around looking that bad I would hope that someone would help me out. Really I'm surprised that the people at Hanes allowed him to shoot the commercial this way.

And to all my friends with soul patches, either shave it off or at least have the decency to cover it up with a miniature set of bikini bottoms or something.

The Vons at Lake Murray and Baltimore is Weak Sauce

So I was just at Vons today and I'm not down with their program. I usually don't have much to say about grocery stores, but this place gave me too much material to pass up.


Where do I start?


Selection:
Their selection is weak. They don't have alot of generic products and their Vons brand isn't really Vons brand. It's some weird pseudo-health food line named Eating Right. I'm scared of health food brands because of they often taste nasty. They have a pretty solid meat selection, but what store doesn't these days? Also they recently got a Starbucks in the store, and I'm thinking big freaking deal, like we need another Starbucks in San Diego.

Bathroom Facility:
Now that I'm getting on in years I can't always hold it. To be honest I didn't even know that all grocery stores had bathrooms until recently, but now that I do know it I am sure to take advantage whenever I can. A couple of months ago I walked in to their restroom with a bad stomach and was quite pissed to find that their toilet was without a seat. Just a porcelain bowl with holes where the seat should have been screwed in. When I saw what I had to work with I was mad as hell. In fact I'm still angry about that right now.

Checkout:
I've got mad squabbles with their checkout service. whenever I go there are about two cashiers max working the checkout. This is total crap because I've got a life to go live somewhere else besides this crummy line. And Vons is the last major store that hasn't adopted the automated self-checkout system. Maybe if they ditched the stupid Starbucks there would be room for more checkout stands and I could get out of this crappy store in a decent amount of time.

File Not Found

This is such an irritating problem. But I'm not sure which part of it I'm more annoyed with. Sure it is a pain when you lose your important file with the crucial information, but it is even more of a pain when somebody tells me about it. I will ask someone if they finished the project they were working on and the I have to listen to a whole drawn out woe-is-me story about computer imperfections, a lack of saving, and the classic tale of how the fish got away. We've all had our files deleted, and we all b.s. how much information that was lost.

It's always like "I just completed the most amazing academic work to have ever been done and wouldn't you know it, the file got deleted right as I was putting the finishing touches on it."

The person says they can redo it but it will only be a shell of an assignment when compared to the former glory of their original work. I think the real story is that they wrote two sentences, one of them got deleted and now its all aboard the crummy excuse train. And now instead of trying to do the work this industrious academic just wants to spread the word to anyone who will listen to the harrowing tale of an idiot who doesn't know how to save their work or even use a computer properly. Next time your file gets deleted, instead of climbing to the nearest rooftop and shouting your story, maybe you should just quiet down and spend the ten minutes that it will take to rewrite your material. And if you still want to talk about it later then call up your mom and tell her all about it so that she can know that her child is a moron.

Pilot G2s are dunzo

I used to be a loyal consumer of those pilot G2 V-7 precise pilot pens. My pet bird even developed a taste for them. She loved to chew them up and destroy the soft grips. But now I am through with them. I found that these pens ruined me for all others. It used to be that I couldn't get started on my work unless I had my trusty V-7 at my desk. And don't get me started on the pen thievery. Every time one of my pilot's went missing it was Sherlock Holmes time. I remember when a turquiose pilot pen of mine turned up missing and I saw a coworker with the same colored pilot pen. I gave her dirty looks for an hour until she left the room and I was able to inspect the pen in question. I noticed that it had more ink in it than the one I lost so I decided that she probably hadn't stolen mine. Unless she stole it and then refilled it with ink to throw me off.

Do you see what I mean here? I had become obssessed. A couple of months ago I picked up a 15 cent papermate pen and started using it. It worked fine, I had no complaints, and the real payoff came when I lost it. I didn't care in the least. It was so liberating. So that's it for me, papermate, bic, whatever, as long as I don't have a deep seated emotional attachment to my pen so I can worry about more important things like where the heck I left my stupid flashdrive.

Dogs need to stop eating the duke

As my loyal readers may know, last week I walked my dog Frida and she found herself a dirty diaper in the bushes. Every chance she gets she goes after some doodoo. Yesterday I came over to the house and she licked me across the face. About 10 seconds later my girlfriend says "Don't let her lick you, she just ate some @#$!" So now I'm in the bathroom cleaning what appears to be excrement off of my ear wondering why the hell dogs are all about the feces. Every time she smells something on the walk, every time she pulls me over to the bushes, every time she presses her nose to the ground, it's for a pile of duke. And don't ever let her near some cat @#$!, that stuff is like cat nip for dogs. It is so gross and disappointing. I know that dogs like bad smells and they like to roll around in stuff that stinks because it masks their own natural odor or something, but still. It is so annoying that my best friend has such foul and disgusting tastes. Every time Frida goes after some biological waste I'm like "Bitch please, knock it off with that nasty crap!"

Timing is Everything

Don't you hate it when somebody says something crappy to you and you don't have anything good to say back to them. And then, like 3 hours later, you think of it and realize you should have said something like "No sir, you're the one who's a jerk!"

The other day I was in one of those situations and I was fortunate enough to come up with something, but it only made it worse. I was crossing the street at the crosswalk and a group of 4 people were crossing at the same time from the other side of the street. The problem was they were walking in close row next to each other. I didn't want to walk around the row and I saw a little space between person number 2 and person number 3, so I went for it. It seemed alright until person number 2 turned around and yelled, "You could have said excuse me!" Now here was my moment, I turned around and immediately responded with "You could have said the same thing to me!"

Clever, right? Not really. Now the guy has turned around, is yelling up a storm and motioning with his hands and talking to persons 1,3 and 4. And as soon as I got across the street a guy pulled up to the gas station on my side of 70th and told me that he saw the whole thing and even heard the other people talking about beating me up. He waited in his car for the other group to keep walking and said that he had my back if things escalated. I thanked him and waited for him to leave, wondering what the !@#$ I just got myself into. Now I'm thinking that I should have just apologized to this number 2 piece of crap so that I don't have to worry about showing up to work with a black eye. So I got the snappy comeback logged in on the books, but it wasn't really worth it. But at least I didn't have one of those lame moments two hours later where I thought to myself, I should have said "You are very inconsiderate of other pedestrians in the crosswalk rude guy number 2!"

I'm over comic book movies

I don't want to see Thor or Captain America. And the green lantern is Van Wilder from all those national lampoons funny-guy college movies. It turns out comics were better when they were just a nerdy thing that me and my nerd friends would read by ourselves. Now I go to the theater and am ashamed to have followed a charcter who ended up being so stupid on the big screen. The first Hulk movie was so bad that they didn't reference it at all in the sequel. The first Superman movie sucked so hard that they still haven't come up with a sequel like 8 years later. Spiderman 2 was unwatchable and the night club scene in Spiderman 3 was so horrible that I don't even know what to say about it. And let's not forget Daredevil and Electra, two of the worst movies ever made.

Now that the bigtime movie producers have so brutally damaged the coolness of my favorite characters, I feel like something has been taken from me. I can't imagine Spiderman as a cool guy because Toby Maguire portrayed him as such doucher. And Daredevil will never be able to come back after Ben Affleck made him out to be the boringest loser I have ever seen in a movie. And if anyone else talks about how they can't wait to see Thor because it was their favorite comic I'm going to lose it. Nobody ever read Thor because his comic was lame, same goes for Captain America.

Get your own stories hollywood, stop ruining the characters that I used to know and love. Go make a movie that isn't about a story that was better the first time around.

Isn't it about time to do a sequel to Avatar anyway, that Box Office smash hit where the main character goes around sodomizing alien animals in the ear with his pony tail genitalia the whole time.

Get a land line

Everybody is always walking around with their stupid phones all the time. People can't ever take a break and just live their lives for a minute. And for some reason a person on the phone is no longer aware of what rudeness is. When I'm in line at the grocery store and the person in front of me is on the phone while they are checking out it irritates me so much. I know their transaction will take longer because they are on the phone. Just get off the phone for a second. And when the text message alarm goes off why does everyone always drop what they are doing like they are a doctor who just found out about a medical emergency? Poeple need to have some boundaries with their phone time. It feels like every time I see someone they are all caught up in some phone stuff. If people went back to land lines there would be a limit. People should not only go back to land lines, we should go back to corded phones too. More phone conversations need to take place behind closed doors. I don't want to hear everyone's problems while I'm walking down the street. I don't want to hear about your messed up phone bill or the test results from your latest doctor visit.

A balled up dirty diaper in the neighbor's hedges

I was walking my dog around the block a few times and she stopped at the neighbor's bushes on the side of the yard. She was pretty interested in a white ball that was shoved into the shrubbery. I often indulge her so I let her pull out the bundle to see what it was. When she finally got her teeth around it and got the thing out I was surprised to see a wadded up dirty diaper full of !@#$. I yelled at Frida to make her drop it on the sidewalk and kept walking. I was concerned that I was now resposible for a pile of feces in the middle of the sidewalk, but then decided that I had actually performed a helpful service for my neighbor. Some jerk decided to stash their baby's defecation in an unsuspecting person's front yard, and now it would be a problem that the whole neighborhood could share instead of being the burden of one household. I know that if I lived at that house I would be greatful that a little boxer named Frida saw fit to drag the diaper off my property and into the public space.

So if you live near the family services building on 73rd, and you see a diaper full of turds, diarrhea cha cha cha